Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
