we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
