You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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