Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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