i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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