i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
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I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
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I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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