Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
accomplished twins. life is a go
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
