Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
