I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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