I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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