Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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