There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
