he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
