What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
