I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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