Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
