Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
