you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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