Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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