you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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