Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
