So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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