DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
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I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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