Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
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we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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