Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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