Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
