in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
