I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
