literally had 100 drinks last night.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
