I just saw a hot homeless man
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
