The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
