Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Enjoy the penises
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
