you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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