Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
