woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
