But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
