I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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