I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
