I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
