i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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