I look better un-naked...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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