it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
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mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
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i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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