I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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