By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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