there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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