There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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