just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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