so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
