So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
