I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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