she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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