I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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