i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
