OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
