There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
