So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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