I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
