it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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